The last few weeks have been an emotional hell for me to be honest. I want to always stay true and honest with my readers. The parents who trust my reviews and the writers who come to me for inspiration. You need to know that I am a person behind a screen who struggles with mental health. I suffer from undiagnosed depression and anxiety. I have consulted therapy many times and I have had wonderful revelations in doing that method of treatment. However, that is not a cure all for the symptoms. I often have times in which I am full of energy and passion for the hobbies that interest me. And then there are times in which I have no energy at all. This can be a HUGE issue as a homeschool Mom of two and aspiring author. It puts a huge holt on my progress and my consistency. This also leads to my depression which then leads to my anxiety. It is a cycle that I hate to be on at times. Last week for instance was a huge black hole for my mental health. I was suffering from extreme self-sabotage. Self-Sabotage refers to the behaviors or thought patterns that hold you back and prevent you from doing what you want to do.
Some Self-Sabotage Behaviors include:
- Procrastination
- You focus on your mistakes
- You are fearful
- You have poor boundaries
- You put what is comfortable before what is healthier
- You are always ready to argue even on topics that do not matter
- You don't ask for help when you need it even when you have had enough, or burned out
Basically, my mind was telling me all of the negative self-talk it could because I was feeling weak physically and mentally. I was feeding into it by continuously believing the negative thoughts in my head. I had no energy to pursue my book, my blog, my social media or teach. I had no want to do anything at all but sleep. I felt like I was failing everything. Not only was I self-sabotaging but I was also allowing dark thoughts to enter my mind as well.
"Why bother writing your book? You will be old when it is done."
"What is the purpose of this stupid dream? Who are you trying to be?"
"You are not capable of pursuing the dream into completion, why do you bother?"
"You are not deserving of achieving this so stop while you are ahead."
"No one cares about you. You have no friends."
"If you were gone, only your husband and children would miss you. The rest of the world does not care who you are."
"You are a fool. Just stop trying to be so much."
Lovely right? I was WONDERFUL company. My own mind was betraying me and I was getting sick with the flu at that time as well. Not to mention around that time I felt really de attached to those in my life. As if I was pushing them away because I thought they were pushing me away. I did not do many chores during this time, nor did I bother to make sure I was taking care of myself. Depression made her way in right away and I just could not bring myself to get out of the bed. I remember laying there for a long time wondering if I was doing the right thing by homeschooling my children. I told myself that they deserved better than I could give them. I felt ashamed that I was feeling so heavy in my head and not as present as I wanted to be for their education. I lost a friend during this week as well which took me for another loop. The abandonment that I already felt seemed to intensify in my heart and I fell apart in my husband's arms. I told him all I wanted was for someone to tell me that I was loved and that it would all be okay. You guys my husband had no idea what he was getting into when he married me, but I tell you he is a keeper. He held me. He held me and let me cry. Usually, he is a fixer. He wants to solve my problems and help me work them out. But this time all he did was what I needed him to do, and it was such a relief to finally admit all of the thoughts that were lurking in my mind. I was embarrassed to say the least, and worried that he would commit me. I was scared that he would be scared of my thoughts and worry about me too much. We both agreed that therapy is something that I need to stick with as there is so much that I need to work on. Moments like last week remind me that mental health does not have a cure, it is merely something that is treated. I noticed that while my mind was entirely too weak to do much that I needed to take some items off my plate so that I could rest. I took a social media break for a week or two. I kept my phone away as much as I could and devoured books instead. My children took a small break from school and continued their daily work when I was able to bring myself out of the fog to focus on helping them. And guess what? They came back into their schoolwork recharged and focused! Both have done an outstanding job this week. During my social media break I had time to focus on my mental health and healing. The flu crept up on me, but I really think it was the product of stress and the drop in my mental health. Sometimes the body feels what the mind does because as soon as I started to see the sun again, the sickness started to leave.
Speaking of seeing the sun, I remember the exact moment I started to wake up out of my own self-sabotage prison. My morning cup of coffee was sitting beside me, and my eyes were dripping wet from tears. I remember praying to God and asking him to help me. "Duale" (Pain in Spanish.) I just kept repeating it over and over. I did not have the strength at the time to tell him what was on my heart just that my mind was attacking me, and I needed help. That was when I opened my bible to a scripture that I had highlighted once before.
Jeremiah 32:17
God was speaking to me. I knew it in my heart that he was trying to tell me to STOP. Stop trying to handle it all alone. Even the intrusive thoughts. I can come to him with those too. I can come to him when my mental health gets too heavy for me to bare. The tears came streaming down my face and on to my page. And in that moment, I felt the love of God wash over me like a warm embrace. I released the pain that I had kept locked inside and gave it all to him to hold. He wants me to trust him with my darkest thoughts. He wants me to trust that he can pull me out of my own mind and into the present. Into the present and into Joy. All I had to do was release my pride and admit that I needed his help. Admit that I needed my husband's help too. Homeschooling can be a huge gift, but it is also such a heavy thing to carry alone. There are days I am so tired that cooking and cleaning seems to be a far-off notion. Forget writing my book, that seems impossible. For what energy will I have for writing when I have so many other important responsibilities? (See how quick those negative thoughts can creep in?) There are times in my life in which asking for help is going to have to be something I do often. I cannot manage it all on my own. God was very clear that morning that Nothing is Too hard for Him. That he can carry those thoughts, he can carry my pain, he can carry my fears, and he can hold me.
I am not a religious person, but I do believe in God and his power to provide comfort in time of restlessness. And strength in times of weakness. He has done this for me so many times in my life that even on my darkest days I still have him to talk too. Losing a friend during a very dark time in my life truly does hurt the heart. However, I was able to take that pain and give it over to the Lord to heal. He has been working on my heart to forgive and the hardest part...to let go.
Self-Sabotage is a very real thing. It can leave you feeling worthless and alone. The work you really want to do seems to be neglected and time feels like it is running away from you. I totally get that my friend. I feel this way often. Try to give yourself some grace in these moments, allow the thoughts to come visually in your mind. And then visually open a door and let them back out. We will get to those things we want to do, a day at a time. You are more than capable of accomplishing the goals you set, despite what your negative thoughts tell you.
Find something to fight for. Find someone to push yourself out of bed for, though I hope that it is you.
Practice plenty of self-care when these thoughts start to creep in. Find things small to do for yourself like an aroma bath with lavender to calm your anxiety. Treat yourself to a nice cup of warm lemon tea and ginseng for energy and a clear mind. Take a walk under the bright sun and allow the warm sun to touch your face. Close your eyes as the wind passes you and allow it to comfort your heart as it tries to heal. Grab a book that provides you company during a time in which talking is too much. Find beauty in the stillness of this time and know that this sadness will not last forever.
For my witchy friends: During my time of sadness, I did an intention prayer/spell when I cooked soup. I created the soup with mushrooms, beef broth, minced garlic, salt, pepper, celery, and carrots. As I stirred, I repeated the mantra, "With this soup I pray for all toxins to leave my body, and all toxic people to show themselves." I also found comfort in the smells of lavender in a hot bath, it seemed to calm my anxiety. I drank a lot of lemon tea and I felt like it lifted my mood. I also tried making my own rose water and writing down the steps in my book. I found peace in creating meals and working with herbs. Sometimes it is good to focus on something small. It made me feel a little better each time my attention was on something mundane. I was sick for a total of almost two weeks and three days. As soon as the dark cloud in my mind lifted, my body followed suit. The body feels what the mind feels. Be easy on yourself. Rest as much as you need.
We will push through the darkest days, to appreciate the light. Please know you are not alone; I am here beside you learning my way through mental health. If you want to try therapy, I truly have been lucky to find comfort in Betterhelp.com. Sometimes talking to someone who does not know you makes all the difference in the world. You can always reach me by email: Amandatheblogwitch@gmail.com.
We are worthy. We are worthy. And we are ENOUGH.
-A. Bookwitch
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